Don’t get married: Visual aid #002 – Alessandra Ambrosio

Disclaimer: I love my wife and kids.

Just a quick visual aid for those of you thinking of popping the question in a moment of weakness.

Alessandra Ambrosio

They say a picture’s worth a thousand words… well, three of the words this picture are saying are “Don’t get married“. Feel free to get creative with the remaining 997.
[via UseMyComputer]

Advice, Marriage, Visual Aids 1 Comment »

Reasons kids suck #1: You can never do anything just ONCE

Disclaimer: I love my wife and kids.

dad spinning kid

A tired father comes home from work exhausted, but happy to see his lovely family. His beautiful 6 year-old daughter rushes out the front door to greet him. Dad drops his briefcase, picks her up, and spins her around as the music swells. It’s a perfect scene – the epitome of fatherhood. And that’s usually where the director yells “Cut!” on campy television commercials.

Unfortunately, as with all things, TV is better than real life. If that camera kept rolling, it would have picked up the daughter happily giggling “Again!” just as the tired father’s aching back began to beg him for a rest. Good old dad, trying to be a sport, picks up the girl again (and this is a 50 lb kid we’re talking about here) and gives her one more set of spins. Now he is tired and dizzy, and the headache he felt coming on on the traffic-filled ride home is beginning to throb, letting him know it hasn’t yet decided whether or not to .take him down, but it is leaning towards “yes”. Dad puts down his daughter, who clings to his arm begging for one more turn, and reaches for his breifcase. Just then, Dad’s 4 year-old son comes bounding down the front steps, demanding HIS turn at spinning. He had been watching the whole scene go down from the front window and has decided he needs to have the fun his sister had.

Dad tries to beg off, throwing out some distracting questions like “where’s mom” or something, but the 4 year-old is wise to his tricks. Dad makes it inside, followed by his now whining son. Despite the living room floor being a mess, Dad reluctantly agrees to “just One” spinning. He grabs the boy and begins spinning him, coming very close to hitting the boy’s feet on a side table, and stepping on a couple toys in the process. After a few more spins Dad is dizzy, and really just wants to sit down a second. But now the daughter wants a turn being spun “inside” the house. The son tells her he has one more turn coming first, then she can have her turn, then he gets another turn. Dad reminds the boy he was told only ONE turn. The son whines that his sister got TWO turns, and seeing as how he is on the verge of tears, Dad picks him up and begins spinning again. The tears instantly go away and are replaced with squeals of delight. However, 20 seconds later, when the “ride” slows to a stop – and dad nearly twists an ankle stumbling to the couch through the mess – both son and daughter are whining again for spins, pulling on dad’s arm to get up.

Repeat this scenario every day for the first 8 year’s of your children’s life (and remember those kids get heavier each year), and you will begin to see how the beautiful scenes of fatherhood portrayed in TV and movies can quickly devolve into becoming something you actually dread as a father.

Kids suck

Kids have a way of ruining almost any attempt at fun you may foolishly think to suggest. For instance, when she was 3, my daughter was into My Little Pony. One day at Target I found a Read the rest of this entry »

Advice, Parenting 1 Comment »

Marriage 101: Never hire landscapers

Disclaimer: I love my wife and kids.

One of the key ingredients to a successful marriage is spending as little time with your wife and kids as possible. By staying out of the house, you can avoid all sorts of potentially nasty things like talking to your wife, spending time with the kids, and pretending to be interested in their lives.

Far and away the best way I have found to avoid my family is to spend time working in the yard. While you may not think the prospect of sweating behind a lawnmower is all that attractive, trust me, it beats the alternative. Here’s a quick overview of the benefits you’ll enjoy by foregoing the landscaper, and doing the yard work yourself.

Benefits to doing your own yard work

    • It’s good for about 2-3 hours of “away from the family” time, not counting prep, cleanup, and shower time (you’ve wasted 4 hours already!) and you can almost always find something more to do if you are creative.

    • You can always kill even more time by taking a trip to the hardware store/Home Depot looking for something, be it mulch, gasoline, fertilizer, seed, weed killer, etc. You can even go see a movie and just claim the store was out of whatever you went looking for.

    • It can save you money. Not nearly as much as you would think, but it does save a little, and your wife can’t argue with saving money.

    • You’ll feel manly.

    • You’ll get a little exercise/sun, and not be such a pale/fat mess

    • If you’re not a complete spaz, you can actually end up making your house look nicer (from the outside, at least). Yard work takes the least amount of actual skill to achieve decent results of any home improvement tasks I’ve attempted. It’s much easier to create a walled in flower bed with some shrubs than to do an interior job like re-doing a kitchen or something. Plus, your wife is inside, and will have comments on interior jobs.

    • NO ONE will want to help you… wife, kids, no one. Yard work guarantees you alone time with your iPod. If they are young enough, your kids may pretend to want to help you, but they get bored about 3 minutes in, maybe 5 if your project involves a giant pile of dirt.

    • You’ll have something else manly to talk to other men with at social events you weren’t able to get out of.

    • You get to buy a bunch of cool tools too!

If you’ve watched a lot of TV in your day, you may be surprised to see I did not include “Your wife won’t have an affair with the landscapers” in my list. Well, it has been my experience that the “hot male landscaper” is a Hollywood invention. The landscapers (in our town at least) are about 5 feet tall, unwashed, and need serious dental work – hardly an erotic threat, although I could add “You don’t want them near your house or family” to the list. Read the rest of this entry »

Advice, Marriage No Comments »

Report: Marriage makes men dumber

Disclaimer: I love my wife and kids.

“Marriage is the unsuccessful attempt to make something lasting out of an incident.”
- Albert Einstein

“All marriages are dangerous”
- Albert Einstein

Satoshi Kanazawa, a psychologist at the University of Canterbury in Christchurch, New Zealand, recently conducted a study of 280 of the world’s most important scientists, drawing samples from the fields of mathematics, physics, chemistry and biology. What he found was that when comparing the the ages of the scientists during the periods when they were at their most prolific and brilliant, there was a drastic fall off beginning around the age of 30, and this decline continued to worsen with age.

When he then compared this decline to the marital history of the scientists, he found that the decline was noticeably less in scientists who were unmarried, and these “bachelors of science” (sorry) were actually still producing amazing research well into their 50′s, while their married counterparts were not.

“The productivity of male scientists tends to drop right after marriage,” writes Kanazawa. “Scientists tend to ‘desist’ from scientific research upon marriage.”

So why is this? Well, my theory is why bother researching when you are married to a woman who already thinks she has all the answers? :) Of course, Kanazawa has a more evolutionary take:

“Men conduct scientific research (or do anything else) in order to attract women and get married (albeit unconsciously),” he says. “What’s the point of doing science (or anything else) if one is already married? Marriage (or, more accurately reproductive success, which men can usually attain only through marriage) is the goal; science or anything else men do is but a means. From my perspective, scientists are no different than anybody else; evolutionary psychology applies to all humans equally,” he adds.

Kanazawa’s laziness argument makes sense. After all, both men and women tend to let themselves go physically after marriage, so why not mentally as well? These findings also lend support to my own research theory that single men are the smartest people on the planet.

Marriage No Comments »

5 simple tricks to keep your wife from getting fat

Disclaimer: I love my wife and kids.

I mentioned before that having an overly attractive wife can potentially lead to problems in your relationship, but the biological urge to have sex with a beautiful woman is so strong that most men would gladly risk losing a pretty wife after a couple years than end up banging a fat one for the rest of their life. As they say, “it is better to burnout quickly than to slowly fade away“. The problem is, how do you keep your wife from packing on the pounds as the years go by without ever having the dreaded “Hey, looks like you put on a few” conversation?

Here are some quick tips I have come up with. I call them “The 5 Golden Rules of Hotness“. They may not be cheap, but they still cost less than flying out to Vegas to bang whores, and you’ll feel a lot better about yourself for not cheating.

Ground rules

Now, hopefully when you met your wife she was attractive and in decent shape. If not, you’re screwed and might as well stop reading this article. These tips are designed more to serve as subtle tricks that will help your wife maintain her figure, rather than magically turn a 400 pound heifer into Jessica Alba.

Now remember, time is of the essence here, as each day your wife will consume more food. While it is never completely too late to start, the real key to success is to begin implementing these practices as soon as possible, ideally even before the wedding. Let’s begin. Read the rest of this entry »

Advice, Marriage 7 Comments »

The top 4 mistakes men make when getting married

Disclaimer: I love my wife and kids.

Of course the most obvious “mistake” men make when getting married is asking a woman to marry them in the first place. But, assuming you have decided to go ahead and ask a woman to spend the rest of your life with you (read that last part again… the rest of your life with you), here is a quick list of the top four mistakes I feel men make when entering a marriage. Just for fun, let’s see how many you have made!

1) You are getting married because that’s what you’re supposed to do

Despite the way 20 and 30-something men on TV and in movies are portrayed, men do not hate marriage. In order to hate something, you have to have it enter your mind at some point, and men in general do not put any thought into marriage. As children we did not play with female dolls who married male dolls, we played with male “action” figures that fought and killed other male action figures. We did not push baby dolls in carriages pretending to be dads, nor did we pretend to cook in our play kitchens or play dress up. We played video games, sports, and read comic books. Not once did the future enter our minds, unless it was the X-Men’s alternate future outlined in the Days of Future Past story arc.

It’s not that men don’t understand the concept of marriage, it’s just that marriage is something you do “when you get older”, and as we all know, men do not “get older”. At least not mentally. In fact, I would say that the word “marriage” has zero meaning for a man until the age of 25 or so when he gets invited to the first wedding of one of his boyhood/college friends. It’s at this point that a man will first think, “Oh yeah, I have to get married at some point”, quickly followed by “Well, MY wedding isn’t going to be this lame! It’s gonna be on a beach somewhere…”.

Somewhat akin to the biological clock of women, there is a “practicality” clock inside men that tells them when certain events are more or less supposed to happen in their life. They know they are supposed to go to college, get a job, find a woman, get married, have kids, and retire. But in general, that is the full extent of thought that accompanies any of these decisions in a man’s life. If a man has finished college and found a job he feels is relatively secure, odds are that finding a girl and getting married are the next two “to do” items on his list. This means the next girl with all her teeth who does not annoy him too badly after 6-8 months of dating will end up with a ring, because that is what he is supposed to do at that point in his life. This is not to say that the man does not love the woman he has proposed to, but it does mean she just happened to have good timing (see reason #2). Read the rest of this entry »

Advice, Marriage 1 Comment »