5 simple tricks to keep your wife from getting fat

Advice, Marriage Add comments
Disclaimer: I love my wife and kids.

I mentioned before that having an overly attractive wife can potentially lead to problems in your relationship, but the biological urge to have sex with a beautiful woman is so strong that most men would gladly risk losing a pretty wife after a couple years than end up banging a fat one for the rest of their life. As they say, “it is better to burnout quickly than to slowly fade away“. The problem is, how do you keep your wife from packing on the pounds as the years go by without ever having the dreaded “Hey, looks like you put on a few” conversation?

Here are some quick tips I have come up with. I call them “The 5 Golden Rules of Hotness“. They may not be cheap, but they still cost less than flying out to Vegas to bang whores, and you’ll feel a lot better about yourself for not cheating.

Ground rules

Now, hopefully when you met your wife she was attractive and in decent shape. If not, you’re screwed and might as well stop reading this article. These tips are designed more to serve as subtle tricks that will help your wife maintain her figure, rather than magically turn a 400 pound heifer into Jessica Alba.

Now remember, time is of the essence here, as each day your wife will consume more food. While it is never completely too late to start, the real key to success is to begin implementing these practices as soon as possible, ideally even before the wedding. Let’s begin.

#1 Keep a hot picture of your wife on the fridge

This simple trick can work wonders if done correctly, but the key here is how smoothly you go about doing this. The first step is to find a photo where your wife looks good, not just to you, but to her as well. Women often do not think they look hot even when they do, so don’t pick some shot you love of her bending over to pick up a Frisbee at the beach if you know she’ll say her ass looks huge. That pic will come down so fast your head will spin. However, beach shots in general are a good choice, as they have the best chance of showing off her almost naked body while still appearing to the casual observer to just be a candid snapshot of good times.

Now, hopefully you have taken at least one vacation with your soon-to-be wife before getting married (in fact taking a 2-week vacation together is actually the easiest way to determine if you should even get married in the first place), and hopefully that trip was in a warm, tropical spot. If not, go take a trip now while she’s still thin, and take lots of pictures. Again, the goal here is to find a picture that you know she won’t mind displaying. Unless she is rather narcissistic, the best way to get her to want to display the photo is for the two of you to both be in the shot. Girls love shots of the happy couple together doing happy couple things. Of course, what you really want is for the focus to be on her, so I suggest a shot where you are standing behind her, your hands on her hips, not around her waist . We don’t want you covering any extra skin if we can help it. Hand a camera to a waiter or fellow resort-goer, and have them take a couple shots. Repeat as necessary.

Now, obviously the choice of photo placement (on the fridge) is designed to serve as a reminder of how thin she is/was each time she opens the refrigerator looking for some calories. But the fridge is also an ideal location due to the amount of traffic the kitchen sees. Having a hot photo of your wife displayed on a shelf in the living room will tend to fade into the background, but a picture on the fridge will be seen probably about 10-20 times a day, and at a distance of only a couple inches. Be sure to place the photo at HER eye level, not yours. Also, practice opening the door to predict just where the picture will come in closest contact to her eyes when opened.

Avoiding suspicion

To avoid suspicion, I suggest putting at least 3 other pictures on the fridge in addition to your “hot shot”. These can be of anything, friends, family, pets, whatever. Buy a set of four clear plastic magnetic photo frames at your local drug store and get busy. If it appears odd that you have suddenly taken interest in decorating, use some excuse like you spent a lot of money on the camera and want to get some use out of it, or make up something mushy about how these are good times you want to remember.

#2 Take a warm trip every year

This obviously goes back to #1 in a way, and will provide you with an opportunity to collect more skin shots of your wife. However the purpose of this tip is really that for some reason women tend to need an event to diet for. Women will diet for their wedding, a friend’s wedding, or if they know they will see an ex-boyfriend at a reunion or something. But they will also diet if they know they are going on vacation and will be wearing a swimsuit. If you can afford to make a yearly vacation trip to a sunny location, this once a year diet may be enough to keep your wife’s weight down.

For best results, plan the trip during cold months in your native location. Odds are she got into swimsuit shape in the summer, and this way she doesn’t have much time to put on those winter pounds before she has to put on a swimsuit again.

#3 Buy your wife lingerie

While wearing lingerie can definitely make a woman look, feel and act hotter in bed, I have a different reason for suggesting this. As passionate as your love making may be now, in time the frequency and heat will decrease. It’s actually par for the course in any long-term relationship, and not exclusive to marriage per se.

But it is thanks to this gradual decreasing in hot sex that lingerie can become a valuable tool in your “Keep your wife hot” arsenal. You see, as your sex life cools down, the number of times your wife will bother to go through the trouble of “dressing up” for sex will decrease. If she was willing to put on stockings and high heels once every 2 or 3 weeks at first, it will turn to once every 9 to 12 months before you know it.

So how does this work?

What inevitably happens is one day she will see some story on Oprah or read some woman’s magazine that will remind her she is supposed to put forth some effort in the bedroom. Inspired, she’ll decide tonight’s the night she’s going to drag her sex gear out of moth balls and put on a show for you. She’ll race to the closet and within 5 minutes she’ll suddenly realize that everything seems a bit tighter than it used to. She no longer fits into her favorite cheerleader outfit or nurse’s uniform. Dejected and depressed, odds are you won’t get sex that night, nor will you ever know how close you came to getting some. The only clue will be the salad she’s eating for dinner. Infrequently-worn clothing is a great reminder that she’s been driving too many places she should have walked to.

The best part of this is you didn’t have to do anything. Women dread trying on clothes they haven’t worn for long periods of time, but usually it is the fear of swimsuits in the summer that turns their blood to ice. A spontaneous trip to the lingerie drawer can be a great reminder mid-winter that she should always be ready for action. If you are feeling daring, you could even suggest she go put on one of those outfits in the middle of your next sexual romp. Even if she doesn’t bite right away, odds are she’ll try on those outfits next time, and realize she’s put on a few.

For best results, I recommend buying tight lingerie, no billowy nighties or such that can be kind to a 5-10 pound weight gain.

#4 Keep the lights on during sex / have daytime sex

This goes back to a woman’s natural insecurities about her body, and thank God for those!

Most women prefer to have sex in low light or complete darkness. While in some cases this is because the man they are having sex with is ugly, more often it is because they feel their body is wrought with imperfections. Real or imagined, it is in your best interest to cast the cruel, unforgiving glare of the sun’s light on those imperfections, for any chance you have to make her feel she needs to tighten up must be exploited.

The best part about this tip is it falls under the pretense that you are simply so attracted to her that you want to be able to see her as you make love to her. How romantic. Because of this rouse, she will not be able to harbor any ill will towards you – after all, all you wanted to do is make love to your wife, spontaneously, on the kitchen table, by a mirror. If she then feels bad about herself, you did nothing wrong. Oh, and you get some sex out of the deal too. Nice.

#5 Never have kids

It’s a given that women gain weight when they are pregnant, but that is not the main reason having kids made the list. My wife actually bounced back quite nicely after our first child, and odds are if your wife is motivated she has a decent shot at doing the same.

The two real problems that having kids introduces into the “battle for sustained hotness” are 1) lack of sleep and 2) snacking on kid foods. For the first year, kids generally don’t eat anything your wife is likely going to want to share (aside from Cheerios), however they eat almost constantly. Just like you may yawn when seeing someone else yawn, psychologically your wife will begin to get hungry during at least a couple of these feedings. But the real danger occurs about the time your child hits about 1-2 years old. Suddenly your wife will have a constant supply of pretzels, goldfish, Teddy Grahams and cookies with her at all times in order to keep the little angel quiet in the car or where have you. And trust me, every time the kid asks for a Teddy Graham, your wife will grab the bag, take two, then pass it back to the kid. It’s just how it is.

The second problem children cause is lack of sleep. My youngest child is now 4 and STILL doesn’t sleep through the night. Or so I hear. Luckily I am able to sleep through the cries. But years of almost constantly interrupted sleep can have a horrible effect on your wife’s appearance. Aside from the expected circles under the eyes and such, she will become chronically tired and less likely to exercise, as well as less likely to have sex with you. Plus she will also become more irritable, making her less appealing to want to bang even if she is willing.

Kids will also cause her to be more rushed to get to school, soccer games, and various other appointments, causing her to forego things like doing her hair and makeup before leaving the house.

Once you have kids, the woman you come home to is rarely hot. More often than not you’ll find her sitting exhausted in a chair amidst a messy house with some sort of crusted goop on her shirt while a child is crying in another room. Seeing this site daily is about the least hot thing you can see.


So, there you have it. If your wife is hot now, and you stick to these “5 Golden Rules of Hotness“, you should be set. But remember, for these tips to work you must put forth some degree of effort and some amount of money, for lazy, poor men do not deserve hot women.

Of course, if you ARE lazy and poor, I suppose you could just start calling your wife “fat ass” in front of her friends. That might work too.

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